on relationships: how the past is often the present

I hear too many sob stories about dating. I feel it has become necesary to step back and say the painfully and akwardly truthful things in regards to this dilemma. Prepare to possibly be semi-offended:


I have a friend who is in some odd gray area with a guy. He's cool and all- funny, generous, interesting. He's also dated TOTAL psychos. TOTAL psychos. (can't reiterate it enough.) My friend thinks he's had it rough, that he is worth the wait- that he will appreciate a sane girl when he dates one. I think he's perpetually drawn to psycho girls and he will be until he is single for a substantial ammount of time and has learned from being single that psycho is the wrong road to take. He isn't going to learn by being with a wonderfully sane woman who is beautiful and generous and kind hearted. He is going to learn by being alone, being happy with himself and one day saying: "hey, life is SO much easier without a girl who is psycho." 


Funny thing, I can't see it that way when I am in her position. Yes I too have thought: "wow, he's had it so hard in past relationships- he deserves a sweet girl. He has such a good heart and so many great qualities, I trust him so much and I know he will only appreciate me that much more after he sees how much better relationships are when the girl isn't a crazy raving bitch (pardon the language)." False. false, false, false, false FALSE.  


The thing is, relationships cannot be based around people's potential. You're not dating their potential. I think we tend to overlook the massive red flags that come up because people have "great hearts" and we "want to fix it". We never can fix those things- we just get broken in the process. 


Furthermore- I think everyone should be single for atleast a year. SINGLE. No flings, no crushes, no sort of datings. Single. Find yourself. Date yourself. Take yourself out to dinner. Go to a movie with yourself. Talk to yourself about important issues. And more importantly, do all of these things with God. I can think about all of the HUGE issues I sorted out in myself when I was single. I never sorted a single huge issue out through dating. 


Let's just be honest and realize that people's pasts- while they may be in the past I fully believe people can change- more often than not reflect the present. If she has gone from guy to guy to guy to guy she will likely go through you unless she has had a clean track record for ATLEAST a year. If he has only dated crazies who he blames for everything (or doesn't blame at all- yikes) he will likely not be happy with a normal and not manipulative girl. 


More over, God loves us. Let's be single and spend time with him. Relationships are SO much effort especially if you're wasting it on someone whose in a horrible state to handle them. 

the first becomes last

    I have been swallowed whole by a certain exhaustion that accompanies being an evangelical Christian. It's not the relationship with God that exhausts me, it's the relationship we're meant to have with other Christians. So often I find myself the odd one out in the notion "walking by faith". Some see this as a passion filled, on fire dance through joy with God. I see this as a dry, depressing, taxing hike trusting that God is somewhere up the path making a way for you, but certainly he's not grabbing my hands and spinning in excited circles with me.


   I get tired of putting on this facade that I'm passionate, and on fire, and full of joy when really all I am is .burnt.out.
I have faith that I won't always be in this desert, but I don't necessarily see an end in sight. I think that's what faith is, you know, the whole seeing the unseen thing. 


   But I'm getting tired. Tired of going to people with my problems and only hearing: "Well have you prayed about it?" Tired of looking for sympathy and getting "God works in mysterious ways" as my one comfort. Aren't we supposed to rejoice with the joyful and mourn with the sad? Isn't it enough to not have to feel like it's my fault God has put me here? I'm tired of being asked to perform at my best when I can't follow through because what I need right now is a spirit that is resting quietly in the presence of God. 


   What I am learning out of all of this is that faith is made of stuff a lot grittier than twitterpation and excitement. Also, that those who are hurting will in turn hurt others and you can become vengeful, or sympathetic. 

Pairing gladness with regret

      A thought struck me tonight as I was washing my face: how do you pair gladness with regret? Can you? We must be able to, because people claim to do it all the time, or I suppose we are often lied to. I think of my parents, and the plans they had when they were young, neither has had them turn out as they expected. However, since their plans did not go as expected, we are now a family. I imagine, this is pairing gladness with regret. I can see it happening, but I cannot imagine it- for in my feeble mind there is only one or the other. How can I possibly have a regret I am glad in a sense to have? How am I able to hold something as both a loss and a gain at the same time?  I have the strong sense I am learning to do it now.
       I recently had my heart broken. I have never had that before, it is completely new to me. Anyone who hasn't had their's broken will think with every failed romance, it's shattered; but those who have truly had their hearts broken know there is something deeper about it, something almost sweeter about it. I am at one of those points in my life where right now I can not imagine pairing gladness with regret, I cannot imagine looking back to where I am and how I got here and being glad for it, because right now all I see and all that exists is the loss of a dear friend and the empty place where trust had been for so long. But I know, someday when things have come to a sort of fullness that accompanies being in the true will of God, whatever that looks like- I will be able to pair gladness with regret. 
       My Father never wanted to be a salesman- he wanted to be a marine. He couldn't when he injured his knee. My Mother never wanted to be a stay at home Mom, she wanted to be a zoologist but she took a break from school which led to meeting my father. I can see the gladness they have in that things worked out how they did, but it doesn't mean there isn't still regret that they hadn't gone on to do what they had wanted. When I have come to a strike of that balance, I will know I have gained a lot.

Romanced

I was at a place where I was standing complacently between what I wanted to do, and what I knew I should be doing. I wanted to transfer schools- I was sick of the rules and regulations Biola held me to. I was sick of leaving Colorado for months at a time, when I knew it was where I wanted to end up anyway. I wanted to drink whenever I wanted, and smoke if I wanted to smoke. I found any sort of worship music left a bitter stinging in my ears, and I wouldn't even shiver if I heard profanity being spat all around me. I felt like no sermons, songs, or prayers ever related to me. I didn't really want to pray, because I felt that every prayer I had said was an eager cry to an earless God. 


I was romanced out of it.

Light to the Light and Salt to the Salt?

Who ever turns on their high beams while driving at noon on a sunny day? Christians, well, figuratively speaking. I learnt from one of my Church's 
teaching pastors that within 2 years of being a Christian, most people have 
ONLY Christian friends. AKA, a little Jesus club of sorts. I know some people 
who would chime in and say: "I spend time with a lot of non-christians on a regular basis" aka.....they are viewed as projects; little corners of darkness 
in their otherwise shadowless world. They aren't really "friends", they are co-workers that are put up with, friends of friends that are avoided, ex-friends that are merely a stinging reminder of a life lived pre-Christianity. They are looked upon with sadness labelled "love" or "my heart goes out to them". It's as if we 
go around and advertise how salt of the earth, or light of the darkness we are without really showing it. It's like going into a home store to look for a lamp that is labelled: "Brightest lamp ever!" but you can't ever turn it on and experience it's warmth- there's no sample light out anywhere; you're intended 
to stand back and wish JUST WISH, you could somehow be as warm and lampy as that- and when you are...well.....as if you're own light isn't enough, THEN you get to experience theirs'. 


What is going on? Who said it was a good idea to be light to light and salt to salt? Why can't Christians be friends with non-christians? And not: "I'm only you're friend so I can lead you to Christ and feel like a better Christian" version of friend which is not genuine at all- but a true friend. You actually hang out, listen to their stories even if they heaven forbid-curse. It doesn't mean conform to a style of life you're not comfortable with, it means truly taking the chance to invest in someone that isn't a youth group leader, or former vbs go-er. A lot of people might disagree with me, and if they do I beg of them: show me the biblical evidence. There is nothing wrong with being a genuine friend to someone whose worldview differs from yours. Be blessed by a different perspective, and allow them to be blessed by yours. Keep your friends with common views close and lean on them when you need to- but don't succumb to the false ideaology that you and your friends are really a club- and only Christians are allowed.

Saying too much, meaning too little

I often overlook the meaning of simple vows. At Church we have been going through the book of Ecclesiastes, and the guidance in chapter 5 has left me stricken with reality. I often vow, and am vowed to, in a manner now worthy of the title vow; it should rather be called "a fleeting, brown-nosing, way of agreeing to something so you shut up and leave me alone". How often does this occur to one another, and to God?


I won't dive into details, because I believe every person does comits this act of "empty vows"; but I can quickly identify areas where I have given empty vows simply to seem agreable, or to avoid questioning or conflict. Maybe I should just say no. "No, I don't want to do that" as opposed to the usual: "Yeah, that sounds good....". I do it all the time, not even in situations where I don't want to, but in situations where I know I can't- because I fear the way I might make someone feel rejected. When you experience this yourself, you learn that an empty vow is much more displeasing than no vow at all. 


Where do I get all of this from? "It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. ⁶ Do not let your mouth lead you into sin." -Ecclesiastes 5. 


Obviously God has really sealed these words into my mind. I am looking at my life, my society, my view of things and realizing how disgustingly empty every vow seems to be- and how horribly backwards the vows we stick to seem to be. I often stick to vows I think will make me appear more presentable and void the vows that mean the most- the vows I make to others. The small ones, and the big ones. So here's my latest vow to everyone:
         if I commit to something, I will to hold to it; the big things, the small things. If 
         If I cannot, will not, or do not want to do something, I will not say I can or will           
         or might. I will try to make my vows that are emotional mean something, if I tell 
         you I love you- I will try to show it and not just say it and leave it visibly void.
         I will not write checks my ass can't cash. :-)
         

Suzanne Bracewell

I would always reach for the highest basket: it was small, woven and brown. Avoiding the bumblebees and mosquitos we would plunge our fingertips into the deep, thorny bushes to fill our baskets with rapsberries. Fingers and lips stained red from the juice, stomaches full of fresh berries, we would sit on her porch and drink the tea she set out in the sun, next to the sundial that told us it was the afternoon. Lazily we would swing on the bench or the hammock, until sun down and we would go inside, pick one honeysuckle before dinner, and eat. She had a room full of dolls she handmade, I would go sit in and admire. Closets full of beautiful gowns she used to wear, and a large box full of ornate jewelry I would pin to myself. Her hair was always elegantly dark and mysterious, and her tall, statuesque demure made her elegant until the end. She would tell us silly rhymes that make no sense, but we would laugh and laugh to no end. She would paint small things, like pots or plates- and ooh and ahh at every stroke I attempted to create. She would read all of my stories with enthusiasm and taught me how to spell the word "friend". She made the best pot roast you would ever taste, and she used horseraddish on it- I hate horseraddish. In the spring we would walk down to the nearest pond and catch tadpoles, I imagined it would turn into a frog. They never did, she said they died, but I think she just returned them to their pond in secret. When I would ride the school bus to her house, she would perfectly time when to bring out freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and always kept vitamin D milk on hand (like Mom never would). She used to have a collection of Alaskan art, and a huge bear skin hung on the wall that my Gramps shot when he was younger. While he spent his afternoons making us dollhouses, or swords, she took us to play at the park- we would climb on the large tractor tires or up the rocky hill where we would sneak into rock caves and tell stories. When I would ask, she would rub my feet- she was the only person who would happily rub the feet of those she loved. She had extensive family photo albums where I could look at my Aunt and Mom for hours, imagining what they were like when they were young like me. When I was 14, she gave me her mother's golden locket with a note she typed on her computer (because she was technologically savvy) and my mom gave it to me when I was 21. She had this old poem hung on her wall about all the extravagant things she would do when she grew old...such as wear a large purple hat. I used to try to let her know she already was old. She used to laugh. When I lived in Australia, she would email me weekly to tell me things about her dog, her book club, or just things. On Christmas eve, we would go to her house to open gifts under the tree she kept in her bay window. Then we would sit by her fire place and crack open the nuts she set out seasonally. When she fell ill my mom knew right away, before she did. The hospice workers told me to write her a goodbye note. So I did. I never gave it to her on time. I think she knows I love her anyway.

sissy boys and tom boys.

Curious, isn't it, the troubles that arise from Gender assumptions? Male, female; masucline, feminine; gay, straight; manly, girly; strong, emotional; aggressive, nurturing.....you get the idea. Where did these roles come from? Obviously, there are usually physiological cues to help us determine our gender, but where do these sort of assigned attributes come from? And how many people do we know that really fit them? What does the Bible say?


I think any girl (and guy for that matter) can attest to the fact that the John Wayne type of guy is an endangered species leaving room for the stay at home dads and metro-sexuals. I'm not degrading this, sometimes a circumstance will warrant a man to take on more "feminine" roles. Conversely, sometimes circumstance will make mama the bread bearer or leader. Sure, God assigns biblical ROLES to genders on occasion. He calls for wives to be helpers, and husbands to be leaders. Beyond that, this notion that men ought to be stoic, aggressive and non-emotional while women ought to be vulnerable, irrational and nurturing came from us. In my studies I have never found a case in the bible where a woman is instructed not to be strong or authoratative or for a man to refrain from sadness or lack nurturing qualites. In fact, where did we begin to see men and women as OPPOSITES? God doesn't see us that way....


God very clearly states that he created both man and woman in his image. Well, God isn't just a being full of contradictions and opposing qualities is he? So why should we be? God encompasses "masculine" and "feminine" traits....for from him all these traits have derived. Perhaps we each showcase individual attributes of GOD not of boy or girl. 


A lot of Christians tend to hold to the fact that men ought to be stoic and assertive, while women passive and submissive. Woman should be a meek, weak vessel who speaks only when spoken to, never makes the first move, and lives in the kitchen and nursery. Opposingly, man ought to never flinch at pain, shed an emotional tear or lack the ability to make the right decision at all times. Wow, that's a lot of dissappointment for people that don't work that way. Let's look at Proverbs 31:10, the passage specifically about a Godly wife. God explicitly claims her great value, as well as her strength, assertion, business mind, and dignity:



A wife of noble character who can find?
       She is worth far more than rubies.
 ¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
       and lacks nothing of value.
 ¹² She brings him good, not harm,
       all the days of her life.
 ¹³ She selects wool and flax
       and works with eager hands.
 ¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
       bringing her food from afar.
 ¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
       she provides food for her family
       and portions for her servant girls.
 ¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
       out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
 ¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
       her arms are strong for her tasks.
 ¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
       and her lamp does not go out at night.
 ¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
       and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
 ²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
       and extends her hands to the needy.
 ²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
       for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
 ²² She makes coverings for her bed;
       she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
 ²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
       where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
 ²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
       and supplies the merchants with sashes.
 ²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
       she can laugh at the days to come.
 ²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
       and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
 ²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
       and does not eat the bread of idleness.
 ²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
       her husband also, and he praises her:
 ²⁹ "Many women do noble things,
       but you surpass them all."
 ³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
       but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
 ³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
       and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Now tell me how it's not biblical that a woman be strong, dignified, and even a fine business mind. She's providing the food, she's obtaining lack of fear, she's also being loving and nurturing as we think she ought to be. she clearly hosts what society would classify as both "masculine" and "feminine" traits.


Conversely, we see that man should never be sad or cry or show fear or weakness. This is equally un-supported in Biblical text. Look at the example Jesus our Lord set- he WEPT (meaning cried) at the death of his friend Lazarus even though he knew he could raise him. He was so afrain before his crucifixion, he sweat blood. Jesus also displayed strength and assertion many times, such as in the temple courtyards when he over turned the tables. God laments over man many times, and is wrathful as well, and therefore posseses "masculine" and "feminine" qualities.


Now, I know not everyone views man or woman as having to ascribe to certain attributes- but a lot of people in the last 100 or so years do. How exactly this originated I can't say- but I can deny that it's true.

oh ye of little faith

Here's the scene: a damsel, dangling from a rope with little to no strength left is towering above a city. She is waiting for help of any form to save her from splattering on the ground and is about to give up hope when...oh surprize: the superhero miraculously flies in and whisps her off to safety before brutally beating the nemesis who put her there. Sweet, awesome....real life never works that way. We often find our selves at the end of a rope and all we end up with is a broken ankle and rope burn....because we're danginling off the side of a one story house (nothing sexy like a 100 story building) and we usually walk ourselves inside to put some ice on our wound that hurts way worse than anyone gives us credit for, and sorely sit on the couch and eat a bag of cheetos as we lament our decisions. Yeah...life....you're grand sometimes. Whoever gave me the idea of climbing onto the roof of my house anyway? Oh yeah, that was me. I put myself there, now I have to explain to everyone why I'm walking with a limp and have bandaged hands.....maybe I'll whip out a story about saving a bus full of orphans about to crash into a freezing river? None the less, my point is we often find ourselves lost and disappointed at the fact that no one is there to rescue us, we usually have to rescue ourselves...and we usually suck at it.


Maybe we need to look deeper. Let's take this totally crazy story and see how it could POSSIBLY relate to our boring, mundane lives:


We all know the story of Moses right? He's an orphaned baby found by an Egyptian princess, adopted into royalty then on the run for murder? He sees a burning bush, hears from God to save his Israelite people from Egyptian oppression and ulitmately leads them through a Sea, to a desert where they eat heavenly manna. Yeah cool, life doesn't work like that either right? Our version of a burning bush is a text message our friend sends us and our version of eating heavenly manna is driving through Taco Bell on the way home. Cool....why am I posting this totally irrelevent story? Well, since you asked, because it's actually relevant...and here's why....


"The Prince of Egypt" won't tell you this....but when Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt and into the promised land via the parted Red Sea....it didn't happen instantly like we think. It wasn't: "Oh no the Egyptians are coming! Good thing this huge ocean is opening up so we can run through it....why did we worry in the first place?" Actually, it took all night. God's Holy Spirit presented himself as a pillar of fire that protected the Israelites in a night-long battle with the Egyptians before the red sea parted. AKA....if I were them I would have felt screwed, not saved.


I find God does that often....he waits.....and waits.....and waits until we are at our wits end before he saves us. Why? Because he is a sadistic freak who wants to see us squirm like an ant under a magnifying glass? I dare say no. I think it's because he want's appreciation. Think about it.....if your grandma gives you 20 bucks on your birthday, but you make several grand a month....you say: "oh cool, thanks grandma....that really makes no difference in my life right now...guess I'll buy a happy meal." But if that 20 bucks comes mid-college career when you live off top ramen and have -5 dollars in your bank account....that 20 bucks looks like a lump of gold and you appreciate grandma more than ever. If God didn't allow us to succumb to atleast a little bit of trial, we wouldn't appreciate him ever. We would merely expect him to just remedy things immediately and serve us on cue. However, if God allowed us to truly see what we could be victim to, then we would appreciate his saving us.


Don't get me wrong, I would probably be convinced God was awesome if the sea parted immediately, or the next day- but God clearly wanted to test the faith of the Israelites and prove that he's there at the very last moment....so we kind of are like the dangling damsel with no hope left. It's never very romantic if the super hero saves her when she trips now is it?

Days to endure

I tend to have a cinderella complex- that somehow nothing that happens to me is really my fault, and at the end of what seems like an eternal slumber- I will be awakened and whisked away to live a life that somehow vindicates the pain I've been through. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. I often try to pass of guilt that I find it a task to be in a relationship with God to external things- like stress. Stress takes on this personification and is the guilty agent here- not me. I am merely just the damsel with a wicked person out to get her and finally God will rescue me when I least expect it. I think we need to own up to the fact that a relationship with God is much like any other relationship- and sometimes we will find him a joy- sometimes a task. I think that we need to accept responsibility for this, and not deny that it is the case- rather recognize that even though we are often the reason for our "eternal slumber" God will still rescue us anyway.

Beauty and God

It was supposed to be a two hour drive. It was of course a five hour drive to the middle of no-where (somewhere between California and Arizona) through mostly desert. I had planned on sleeping most of the way, but the high-energy girl-power music and loud singing-along-with my friends had engaged in prevented that. With an expensive camera in the back of the car, and four high energy girls, and one sleepy girl in the front, a ford suv was "salvation mountain" bound. Never having been there, not knowing what at all to expect- I finally settled into the adventure once the music changed from Avril to James Taylor and the business of eastern CA cities turned into the quite serenity of the desert. It was about 5 hours down the road, with a few wrong turns included, that we finally reached our destination.


Asked to photograph the whole shendig, four of my best friends, who also happen to be roommates, posed up and down the massive art work that is "salvation mountain". Unless you've ever been to this place, you can never fully understand it. It's a huge hill that has been built upon and painted to portray verses of the bible and an overall sense of God's love and beauty. There are mazes through it, the cars around it are painted, virtually everything in this small area in the middle of a pale desert has brightly coloured depictions of God's character on it's surface. The creator of this place, is a man in his 80's or so who virtually lives in Salvation mountain. He sleeps in a small truckbed, living off of faith and the generosity of others. His mountain is open to all and often hosts various worship nights, and photography shoots. You can't help but feel the presence of something greater when you are there. 


That, my friends, is the answer to the question I have been asking myself for years: how do I integrate faith and art? Faith based art is often scoffed at and stamped as cliche. The church and the art world have  been at odds for years- neither one seeming to accept the other. You can imagine the mental and spiritual manna I figuratively consumed when our Chapel speaker today spoke on just this issue.


I had known for quite some time that faith and beauty often go hand in hand. God created beauty for a purpose, and knew it to be seen as beautiful to our eyes when he created it. Why then, is there such a disconnect from beauty and the church? One seems to fear, even oppose the other.


I'm not sure the definitive answer as to how to successfully integrate art and faith- all I know is salvation mountain would be a listed example under this definition. 

keeping secrets: to do and why

If I could compare my current state of needing to confess, I should likely compare it to a small child's need to pee: it's there, and it's coming out, and not necessarily at a controlled or decided time. I tend to word vomit my short-comings, my hardships, my thoughts as if saying them fixes them, saves me, or makes them more valid. 
 SOMETIMES nothing is more beautiful than a secret. A nasty thought, well, needless to say- keep it out of your mouth. An intimate experience with God- good secret. Speaking with God is supposed to be personal and deep- I feel like when I tell the world about it I bastardize it and make it cheap and accessible- like I'm whoring my thoughts, my oppinions and my experiences all of the time. 
  Indeed, sometimes, nothing is more beautiful than a secret....I plan to have a lot of them. 

Goodness

It's hard to write about God's beauty when we live in a world that is often ugly. It's hard to write positively about God at all without sounding idiotic. The  reasoning for this I find is that most of the time, when God is written about by Christians, there is a certain tone and word choice that's really just....a turnoff. We speak in this sort of overly positive, Churched sort of way that no one, including most Christians, can ever relate to. We are never as rosey-lensed as we sound in our writing- real life is gritty and grimy, and worst of all gray. We write about things in a black and white- but rose tinted fashion that assumes that everything through the perspective of a Christian is actually perfect. Bad guys are always bad guys, and good guys are always good guys. Beauty is always beautiful and ugly is always ugly. The problem is, the world doesn't function that way, and deep down, neither do we. We are as gray, and gritty and grimey as the rest of the world whether we would have our writing show it or not.


I'm the typical cynic in most situations, so this may be no exception, but I find that beauty is often mistakenly hard to find. Or easy, if you know where to look. But ugliness, that's everywhere. We can pretend like it's not, but pretending doesn't change anything outside of ourselves. I created this blog to show the beauty I find in the world, but I also understand that things aren't perfect. Just because I have a relationship with God doesn't mean that everything that's bad is actually somehow good and all things I touch turnn to treasure in heaven or something. I realize this. I realize that often good opposes good and two negatives does not equal a positive. Even if we have a clear and distinct vision of right and wrong, those factors often don't have a clear and distinct separation in the real world. Black and white is most of the time gray. 


I feel like before I go on, I have to make this distinction. I have to let it be said that I've seen 20 ugly things to every beautiful thing. I recognize that sometimes things just suck. I think the thing most people forget though, that amongst the "suck" is beauty, and it's often the silent wallflower to the suck. But it's there. If you can look past the outerlayer of things that seem bad, often you can realize that there's goodness in there somewhere, and that goodness isn't always a lens to look through, but sometimes it can be. 


I just had to have it said.

Valentine's Day

Isn't it odd that often times singles resent Valentine's day? Isn't it odd that Valentine's day has anything to do with specifically romantic love anyway? Before you pass this off as yet another: "A day to show someone you love them should be everyday" sort of things, just pause, and ponder the questions I just posed, then rest easy because this is not one of of those sorts of things.


I don't resent Valentine's day, once, in 7th grade, I had a valentine. He gave me a neclace and when we "broke up" I gave it back and made him cry. Thus begins the complex issue of "love" that this Valentine's day poses. I'm quite content to consume brownies I made for myself and spend time with friends who are both single and not. I'm quite content knowing that I have the perfect company of my God and that it's likely most males I know right now are more like the 7th grade boy I once knew than the object of Biblical masculinity I wait for. It's easy to not resent singledom when you've learnt how dramatic and messy young relationships between two perpetual children can be. It's also easy not to resent singledom when you've come to the conclusion that most of the reason you're single is of your own will. I refuse to fall for any male who is not a man (in the mature, biblical sense) and who isn't in the process of pursuing me in a dignified and mature way. So there, no reason to resent Valentine's day.


It's possible too, that the reason we celebrate Valentine's day is not so that every girl can be given flowers and every boy a good lay ( sorry for the bluntness) but possibly it's for the mere notion of love which is utterly seperate in certain occasions from sexual attraction. Lust and love are very different and these days Valentine's day is considerably based on lust. If it is truly based on love then let the romantic notion flourish but not diminish the friendly notions either. Let the single person feel equally as appreciated as the significant other. Let lingerie and fuzzy handcuffs be as common place as a good conversation or shared meal with a plutonic friend, or relative.  If Valentine's day is really based on love, then let the person single and taken feel equally involved as though it weren't merely about lust.


So therefore, let me not feel excluded from this day of passion and flourishing love merely because I didn't buy extra burt's bees for the evening or breath mints for the night. Let me feel very much included because I love to the fullest that a non-comitted person can. That I make the choice to serve others just as people in committed relationships choose to serve one another. Let us all realize that singlehood is temporary and someday you will be waking up next to a stinky morning breath and doing someone else's dirty laundry. Let us single folk love Valentine's day as much as the utterly infatuated highschool couple who just discovered the power of sexual attraction and who have yet suffered it's messy effects.

petits miracles

What does it mean to be a servant? Does it mean take and find what you are good at and contribute it to something bigger than yourself? Or does it mean take and find yourself and contribute that in the way it is needed? 


I have learnt it is the latter. Servanthood often does not give you an option of how to serve. Servants give of themselves how ever they are required to. I had this notion that I was going to use my graphic design knowledge to woo the Church I go to. Surely I would be the greatest servant, offering of my finest abilities.  I quickly learnt it was not going to happen that way. 


Discouraged after not getting my expected results, I turned to the Lord in Prayer. It became clear to me that if I really wanted to serve my Church, I needed to do just that. Serve. Not dictate in what ways I was willing to be helpful, or only offer my help in ways that benefited me. So I volunteered for amost every volunteer spot open, hoping that I could be used in some way- letting go of the thought of using my art. 


The next day I was contacted and asked to help with graphic design. Nothing is offical yet, but I have learned that often times we do selfish things, then try to shrink wrap them in self-less labels. When I earnestly learned that this instance was not about me, I was able to use one of my gifts to truly contribute.