I think we can all pretty much agree that we live in a society that places personal value on how loved we appear to be. How many friends we have, how many admirers, if we're in a relationship (especially if we're in a relationship) are all advertised openly in hopes that it will become some societal selling point and we will gain inherent value. We hope that if we can prove to everyone how loved we are our stock will go up, we will gain more investors and each share will somehow have a higher payoff. It's a business.
I totally buy into all of this, and sadly I am one of those girls that somehow believes if I have the commitment and love of a man I must have a value spike. I am worth some substantial ammount more in a relationship than I am out of one and this MUST be so because I have someone willing to pay a high price for me, they are really investing in me which is the ulitmate selling point in this personal stock market. I have believed this so strongly that I spent several weeks with a genuinely wonderful guy I didn't feel crazy about because I felt more important with his attention and commitment. How backwards is that?
Now that I am single again, and since I am perpetually single, I have this sort of underlying bitterness towards everyone who has managed to convince someone to make a huge romantic investment in them. (so bitter I think that they managed to sell themselves to a buyer and not that they're star-crossed lovers brought together by divine fate). I wonder what I have done wrong that my stock is so undesireable and I scoff at all the happily married women regarding their 'hubby' as the 'best in the world' and shrine their facebook walls with photos of flowers, chores done and special gifts given. Not only have they managed to secure a buyer, but the buyer seems more than happy to oblige their every whim. I roll my eyes at the girls who manage to always have a new boyfriend that is their soul mate and gag at their attempts to convince the world how much this new boyfriend values them and makes them feel more beautiful than any other man. Guys don't seem to be so bad at this, but there are the few who always insist their girlfriend is the best woman on the face of the planet- which is great and all but I usually don't find comparisons TOTALLY necessary as it really just means: "you're not as good, other women." (Which of course it doesn't mean, but when you're a bitter minded female it totally is read this way)
However somewhere a long this bitterness in a weird state of half-prayer half frustrated internal thought (which I guess God can technically hear anyway) I was made aware of something. In a world where we're taught from our first years that relationships define us and make us valuable there is probably a hugely great message to be sent by someone perfectly happy to be single. Sure, many people claim they're happy to be single- usually the girls who have a lot of guys interested in them at any given time anyway, and guys who just want to sleep around- the person who doesn't have any sexual or interpersonal gain from being single yet enjoys this time is kind of- baffling. Especially to other girls. Barbie is only so cool without Ken, let's be honest. A princess locked in a tower is only a worthwhile story if she is rescued by a prince. And a prince really only wants to go into a random tower and fight dragons if there's some hot princess nookie to be had, let's just be real.
So I guess to bring this all together, why am I bitter? Maybe I'm not. Maybe if I really practice what I preach and find my worth and value in my relationship with God having a word's best hubby to share my life with is a blessing and not a requirement. Maybe if I actually read the bible closely I will realize that a woman's first duty is not to be a wife or mommy but to be a woman of God. MAYBE if I look at the fact that I was willing to compromise my intergrity because some great guy whose really not my type at all shows interest in me I will realize that there's an inherent issue with my thinking. Maybe it's time to go against the grain of society and stop finding my personal value in relationships but value relationships for what they are not what they can offer to my image.
Just maybe. (And by adding this finalizing maybe dramatically at the end of all of this, I of course mean I am pretty sure I'm right.)
