personal challenge.

I am a goal oriented person.....if it's not one thing to be done by the end of the week, it's another. This is all well and good apart from the fact that I am also perpetually bad at getting things done. This leads for personal turmoil like none other. I vowed to have mad abs in 2008. A fluctuation of 15 lbs later, I am barely on the brink. I told myself by the end of summer I would be able to run 7 miles. I succesfully ran three yesterday. I have told myself repeatedly I am going to paint more, design better and work on my short story- yeah none of those things have happened. I am however, good at un important personal challenges. Allow me to indugle.


I have vowed to several personal things. One is that I will be a "patient" driver. I am the driver that has this inherent draw towards feeling the need to correct bad drivers- if you dare go 5 under you will regret your slow ways once I pull just a few feet too close to your tail. If you desire to go 10 over, well buddy- I am already going 5 over and I am just going to slow down to 5 under because you can't expect me to get a speeding ticket for you. Yeah I know, it's pathetic. Pathetic mostly, that I allow the driving habits of total strangers to affect my momentary mood- and control my actions.


So far, I have forced any thoughts of forced correction out of my head. If I start to silently cuss out the senile old driver in front of me, I begin to sing along to the song blaring out of my stereo (probably an equally bad choice). 


But it's part of becoming Christ like. Part of growing in God- you change stupid habits. Little and big.

Off the teat (gross)

My how things change. In what seemed like an eternity walking through it, I have quickly had a turn of heart. Being finished at Biola once seemed like a countless blessing, but is now a bittersweet realization that the community I once scoffed for "convicting" me is now a faint memory and oasis in a desert of people who don't care to see you do well. Not to sound all downer- I'm not- I'm optimistic. Perhaps dangerously so. However, I have been through valleys and mountains with my God and I know that no matter how far away he seems, he never is. So while I am realizing that "the real world" isn't full of people who care that I spend time in prayer, or who encourage me to do the right thing, I am also realizing that this is what I've been preparing for. This is the meat.


I'm somewhat of a visual thinker, and by somewhat, I mean- totally. I am always thining in illustrations and comparisons. Two such illustrations that have really been landmark in my life recently are these: Being a ship with ever ready sails, and being like a perfectly pruned rosebush. They both sound pretty romantic and cliche- two things I like to think I'm not- but I am coming more and more to terms with possibly being. The ship illustration is not one that came from my own mind, or rather, was put there. Actually, I read it on someone's "about me". The idea is that we are a ship and God is the wind- if our sails are ever ready he will move us where we are supposed to go. This idea sounds about as vague and directionless as: "give it to God." (A key christian term used when someone is going through something hard). Had I read this illustration a mere 6 months ago I surely would have rolled my eyes and wondered why as Christians we find it necessary to throw out ellusive examples of Christian life that no one can possibly understand or mirror. However, it made sense. The funny thing is, I'm really not sure how to explain it other than using the example I label as vague. I just went for it, imagined that I was some sort of ship captain and really did wait on God to make things happen. Now I'm spending summer on an island off the coast of California and feeling more content and close to God than ever.


The second illustration is the rosebush. Talking about sin and weakness and always returning to the same bad habits with a good friend made me realize that people are made up of more than just good and bad traits. Perhaps we just have traits, that when used for good are sort of like rose blossoms, but if used for bad, are sort of like dead vines full of thorns. Before I begin sounding full on Old Testament about this, think about it. I'm a curious person- that curiosity can be used for God's kingdom (blossom) or to read about the horrible things people do to each other (dead vine). One isn't like, a milk weed and the other a hibiscus- they are both part of the same rosebush, but they just have to be channeled right- pruned right.


So to wrap things up, examples, leaving college- everything. God is consistent. Read my posts from a few months ago and just taste the bitterness seeping out of them. Hopefully it's not there anymore. Partially to Biola, partially to the fact that I learn from illustrations and completely from God. 

friends and questions- a truth

My life is full of those people I was on the road to becoming great friends with, yet somewhere along the line things stopped. This seemingly steady progression was put on hold because we have no more classes together, or I run out of clever opening lines whenever I see them, or I assume they don't recognize me or something. So every time I see them and try to half-hazardly interact with them I not only feel like a complete fool, but I also feel like that perpetually cold person who never really wanted to be friends in the first place. The second part is definitely false in this situation. What I resort to is a collection of facebook friends, or people I follow on twitter. Obviously, I know who they are and I even sometimes feel like we have inside jokes, even though we don't- I just read their blog so I feel like I know something personal. Then when I am thrown into a group of people who are all talking and the both of us happen to be there- I try to akwardly mend things by making eye contact in hopes that they say something or indirectly confirm our almost friendship, and then I can confidently lead things on the warm sunny path to real friendship. However, usually the interaction is brief and I don't see a bright sunny path to walk down, and it's probably because I thought that they didn't recognize me and so in order to preserve my own pride- I just pretended not to see them. That's only half as bad as reminding someone of your name 7 times in a row. How do I even mend this habit of "almost friendships"?


I am realizing more and more that I am really odd.