the power of being single

I think we can all pretty much agree that we live in a society that places personal value on how loved we appear to be. How many friends we have, how many admirers, if we're in a relationship (especially if we're in a relationship) are all advertised openly in hopes that it will become some societal selling point and we will gain inherent value. We hope that if we can prove to everyone how loved we are our stock will go up, we will gain more investors and each share will somehow have a higher payoff. It's a business. 

I totally buy into all of this, and sadly I am one of those girls that somehow believes if I have the commitment and love of a man I must have a value spike. I am worth some substantial ammount more in a relationship than I am out of one and this MUST be so because I have someone willing to pay a high price for me, they are really investing in me which is the ulitmate selling point in this personal stock market. I have believed this so strongly that I spent several weeks with a genuinely wonderful guy I didn't feel crazy about because I felt more important with his attention and commitment. How backwards is that?

Now that I am single again, and since I am perpetually single, I have this sort of underlying bitterness towards everyone who has managed to convince someone to make a huge romantic investment in them. (so bitter I think that they managed to sell themselves to a buyer and not that they're star-crossed lovers brought together by divine fate). I wonder what I have done wrong that my stock is so undesireable and I scoff at all the happily married women regarding their 'hubby' as the 'best in the world' and shrine their facebook walls with photos of flowers, chores done and special gifts given. Not only have they managed to secure a buyer, but the buyer seems more than happy to oblige their every whim. I roll my eyes at the girls who manage to always have a new boyfriend that is their soul mate and gag at their attempts to convince the world how much this new boyfriend values them and makes them feel more beautiful than any other man. Guys don't seem to be so bad at this, but there are the few who always insist their girlfriend is the best woman on the face of the planet- which is great and all but I usually don't find comparisons TOTALLY necessary as it really just means: "you're not as good, other women." (Which of course it doesn't mean, but when you're a bitter minded female it totally is read this way)

However somewhere a long this bitterness in a weird state of half-prayer half frustrated internal thought (which I guess God can technically hear anyway) I was made aware of something. In a world where we're taught from our first years that relationships define us and make us valuable there is probably a hugely great message to be sent by someone perfectly happy to be single. Sure, many people claim they're happy to be single- usually the girls who have a lot of guys interested in them at any given time anyway, and guys who just want to sleep around- the person who doesn't have any sexual or interpersonal gain from being single yet enjoys this time is kind of- baffling. Especially to other girls. Barbie is only so cool without Ken, let's be honest. A princess locked in a tower is only a worthwhile story if she is rescued by a prince. And a prince really only wants to go into a random tower and fight dragons if there's some hot princess nookie to be had, let's just be real. 

So I guess to bring this all together, why am I bitter? Maybe I'm not. Maybe if I really practice what I preach and find my worth and value in my relationship with God having a word's best hubby to share my life with is a blessing and not a requirement. Maybe if I actually read the bible closely I will realize that a woman's first duty is not to be a wife or mommy but to be a woman of God. MAYBE if I look at the fact that I was willing to compromise my intergrity because some great guy whose really not my type at all shows interest in me I will realize that there's an inherent issue with my thinking. Maybe it's time to go against the grain of society and stop finding my personal value in relationships but value relationships for what they are not what they can offer to my image. 

Just maybe. (And by adding this finalizing maybe dramatically at the end of all of this, I of course mean I am pretty sure I'm right.)

on a lighter note...

I was contemplating posting about what constitutes belief and why I can believe in God without knowing he exists... but after a long day and several of my friends facing life altering events... I am not feeling particularly eager to dive into the depths of such things.


SO INSTEAD... I am going to list of dating deal breakers. Shifting from a more C.S Lewis approach to a more... cosmo approach? Oh well. We all have them. These are the lighthearted, yet serious deal breakers:




If he says: "hehe" when he is texting.
If he owns in seriousness anything related to: "Ed Hardy", "Affliction", "Famous Stars and Straps", multiple pitbull dogs, a pair of testicles to hang off the back of his car, a sticker of women with angel wings or devil horns to put on the back of his car, a tall tee.
If his phone background is of a swimsuit model, the alcohol he drank last night or in the worst case scenario- himself.
If he has nicknames that end with the letter 'z' or dog.
If he has ever used the term "haterz" to describe his adversaries.
If he shaves his chest.
If his idea of a good time is getting wasted- making bad choices- and feeling morally reputed due to alcohol intake which may have spurred the bad choices.
If he ever calls me his "boo"
If his jeans cost more than $50.00
If his haircut cost more than $20.00
If he brings an over night bag to my house when I in no way suggested he would stay the night.




What are yours? :-)

personal challenge.

I am a goal oriented person.....if it's not one thing to be done by the end of the week, it's another. This is all well and good apart from the fact that I am also perpetually bad at getting things done. This leads for personal turmoil like none other. I vowed to have mad abs in 2008. A fluctuation of 15 lbs later, I am barely on the brink. I told myself by the end of summer I would be able to run 7 miles. I succesfully ran three yesterday. I have told myself repeatedly I am going to paint more, design better and work on my short story- yeah none of those things have happened. I am however, good at un important personal challenges. Allow me to indugle.


I have vowed to several personal things. One is that I will be a "patient" driver. I am the driver that has this inherent draw towards feeling the need to correct bad drivers- if you dare go 5 under you will regret your slow ways once I pull just a few feet too close to your tail. If you desire to go 10 over, well buddy- I am already going 5 over and I am just going to slow down to 5 under because you can't expect me to get a speeding ticket for you. Yeah I know, it's pathetic. Pathetic mostly, that I allow the driving habits of total strangers to affect my momentary mood- and control my actions.


So far, I have forced any thoughts of forced correction out of my head. If I start to silently cuss out the senile old driver in front of me, I begin to sing along to the song blaring out of my stereo (probably an equally bad choice). 


But it's part of becoming Christ like. Part of growing in God- you change stupid habits. Little and big.

Off the teat (gross)

My how things change. In what seemed like an eternity walking through it, I have quickly had a turn of heart. Being finished at Biola once seemed like a countless blessing, but is now a bittersweet realization that the community I once scoffed for "convicting" me is now a faint memory and oasis in a desert of people who don't care to see you do well. Not to sound all downer- I'm not- I'm optimistic. Perhaps dangerously so. However, I have been through valleys and mountains with my God and I know that no matter how far away he seems, he never is. So while I am realizing that "the real world" isn't full of people who care that I spend time in prayer, or who encourage me to do the right thing, I am also realizing that this is what I've been preparing for. This is the meat.


I'm somewhat of a visual thinker, and by somewhat, I mean- totally. I am always thining in illustrations and comparisons. Two such illustrations that have really been landmark in my life recently are these: Being a ship with ever ready sails, and being like a perfectly pruned rosebush. They both sound pretty romantic and cliche- two things I like to think I'm not- but I am coming more and more to terms with possibly being. The ship illustration is not one that came from my own mind, or rather, was put there. Actually, I read it on someone's "about me". The idea is that we are a ship and God is the wind- if our sails are ever ready he will move us where we are supposed to go. This idea sounds about as vague and directionless as: "give it to God." (A key christian term used when someone is going through something hard). Had I read this illustration a mere 6 months ago I surely would have rolled my eyes and wondered why as Christians we find it necessary to throw out ellusive examples of Christian life that no one can possibly understand or mirror. However, it made sense. The funny thing is, I'm really not sure how to explain it other than using the example I label as vague. I just went for it, imagined that I was some sort of ship captain and really did wait on God to make things happen. Now I'm spending summer on an island off the coast of California and feeling more content and close to God than ever.


The second illustration is the rosebush. Talking about sin and weakness and always returning to the same bad habits with a good friend made me realize that people are made up of more than just good and bad traits. Perhaps we just have traits, that when used for good are sort of like rose blossoms, but if used for bad, are sort of like dead vines full of thorns. Before I begin sounding full on Old Testament about this, think about it. I'm a curious person- that curiosity can be used for God's kingdom (blossom) or to read about the horrible things people do to each other (dead vine). One isn't like, a milk weed and the other a hibiscus- they are both part of the same rosebush, but they just have to be channeled right- pruned right.


So to wrap things up, examples, leaving college- everything. God is consistent. Read my posts from a few months ago and just taste the bitterness seeping out of them. Hopefully it's not there anymore. Partially to Biola, partially to the fact that I learn from illustrations and completely from God. 

friends and questions- a truth

My life is full of those people I was on the road to becoming great friends with, yet somewhere along the line things stopped. This seemingly steady progression was put on hold because we have no more classes together, or I run out of clever opening lines whenever I see them, or I assume they don't recognize me or something. So every time I see them and try to half-hazardly interact with them I not only feel like a complete fool, but I also feel like that perpetually cold person who never really wanted to be friends in the first place. The second part is definitely false in this situation. What I resort to is a collection of facebook friends, or people I follow on twitter. Obviously, I know who they are and I even sometimes feel like we have inside jokes, even though we don't- I just read their blog so I feel like I know something personal. Then when I am thrown into a group of people who are all talking and the both of us happen to be there- I try to akwardly mend things by making eye contact in hopes that they say something or indirectly confirm our almost friendship, and then I can confidently lead things on the warm sunny path to real friendship. However, usually the interaction is brief and I don't see a bright sunny path to walk down, and it's probably because I thought that they didn't recognize me and so in order to preserve my own pride- I just pretended not to see them. That's only half as bad as reminding someone of your name 7 times in a row. How do I even mend this habit of "almost friendships"?


I am realizing more and more that I am really odd.

on relationships: how the past is often the present

I hear too many sob stories about dating. I feel it has become necesary to step back and say the painfully and akwardly truthful things in regards to this dilemma. Prepare to possibly be semi-offended:


I have a friend who is in some odd gray area with a guy. He's cool and all- funny, generous, interesting. He's also dated TOTAL psychos. TOTAL psychos. (can't reiterate it enough.) My friend thinks he's had it rough, that he is worth the wait- that he will appreciate a sane girl when he dates one. I think he's perpetually drawn to psycho girls and he will be until he is single for a substantial ammount of time and has learned from being single that psycho is the wrong road to take. He isn't going to learn by being with a wonderfully sane woman who is beautiful and generous and kind hearted. He is going to learn by being alone, being happy with himself and one day saying: "hey, life is SO much easier without a girl who is psycho." 


Funny thing, I can't see it that way when I am in her position. Yes I too have thought: "wow, he's had it so hard in past relationships- he deserves a sweet girl. He has such a good heart and so many great qualities, I trust him so much and I know he will only appreciate me that much more after he sees how much better relationships are when the girl isn't a crazy raving bitch (pardon the language)." False. false, false, false, false FALSE.  


The thing is, relationships cannot be based around people's potential. You're not dating their potential. I think we tend to overlook the massive red flags that come up because people have "great hearts" and we "want to fix it". We never can fix those things- we just get broken in the process. 


Furthermore- I think everyone should be single for atleast a year. SINGLE. No flings, no crushes, no sort of datings. Single. Find yourself. Date yourself. Take yourself out to dinner. Go to a movie with yourself. Talk to yourself about important issues. And more importantly, do all of these things with God. I can think about all of the HUGE issues I sorted out in myself when I was single. I never sorted a single huge issue out through dating. 


Let's just be honest and realize that people's pasts- while they may be in the past I fully believe people can change- more often than not reflect the present. If she has gone from guy to guy to guy to guy she will likely go through you unless she has had a clean track record for ATLEAST a year. If he has only dated crazies who he blames for everything (or doesn't blame at all- yikes) he will likely not be happy with a normal and not manipulative girl. 


More over, God loves us. Let's be single and spend time with him. Relationships are SO much effort especially if you're wasting it on someone whose in a horrible state to handle them. 

the first becomes last

    I have been swallowed whole by a certain exhaustion that accompanies being an evangelical Christian. It's not the relationship with God that exhausts me, it's the relationship we're meant to have with other Christians. So often I find myself the odd one out in the notion "walking by faith". Some see this as a passion filled, on fire dance through joy with God. I see this as a dry, depressing, taxing hike trusting that God is somewhere up the path making a way for you, but certainly he's not grabbing my hands and spinning in excited circles with me.


   I get tired of putting on this facade that I'm passionate, and on fire, and full of joy when really all I am is .burnt.out.
I have faith that I won't always be in this desert, but I don't necessarily see an end in sight. I think that's what faith is, you know, the whole seeing the unseen thing. 


   But I'm getting tired. Tired of going to people with my problems and only hearing: "Well have you prayed about it?" Tired of looking for sympathy and getting "God works in mysterious ways" as my one comfort. Aren't we supposed to rejoice with the joyful and mourn with the sad? Isn't it enough to not have to feel like it's my fault God has put me here? I'm tired of being asked to perform at my best when I can't follow through because what I need right now is a spirit that is resting quietly in the presence of God. 


   What I am learning out of all of this is that faith is made of stuff a lot grittier than twitterpation and excitement. Also, that those who are hurting will in turn hurt others and you can become vengeful, or sympathetic.