the first becomes last

    I have been swallowed whole by a certain exhaustion that accompanies being an evangelical Christian. It's not the relationship with God that exhausts me, it's the relationship we're meant to have with other Christians. So often I find myself the odd one out in the notion "walking by faith". Some see this as a passion filled, on fire dance through joy with God. I see this as a dry, depressing, taxing hike trusting that God is somewhere up the path making a way for you, but certainly he's not grabbing my hands and spinning in excited circles with me.


   I get tired of putting on this facade that I'm passionate, and on fire, and full of joy when really all I am is .burnt.out.
I have faith that I won't always be in this desert, but I don't necessarily see an end in sight. I think that's what faith is, you know, the whole seeing the unseen thing. 


   But I'm getting tired. Tired of going to people with my problems and only hearing: "Well have you prayed about it?" Tired of looking for sympathy and getting "God works in mysterious ways" as my one comfort. Aren't we supposed to rejoice with the joyful and mourn with the sad? Isn't it enough to not have to feel like it's my fault God has put me here? I'm tired of being asked to perform at my best when I can't follow through because what I need right now is a spirit that is resting quietly in the presence of God. 


   What I am learning out of all of this is that faith is made of stuff a lot grittier than twitterpation and excitement. Also, that those who are hurting will in turn hurt others and you can become vengeful, or sympathetic.